Unlocking Eternal Love: عدنان's Six (6) Steps to Find "The One" and Thrive Independently

A better approach - عدنان's Six (6) Steps:

This post is part of the broader article - Survival Guide to Modern Dating: Swiping Toxic Attachments, Manipulation, Fetishes and Matching Self-Discovery - The Better Way!

Note to reader: I can't be the ONLY one who is stuck in the matrix/feedback loop of endless bad dating/unfulfilling relationships. There has to be a better reality that must be created through meaningful change of values, emotions, narratives, intentional action, suffering, growth, spirituality, nurturing and compassion that allows us to get the LOVE and ACCEPTANCE we all yearn in our lives.  

There is an equation to work out your taxes, superannuation, and car payments – there is no equation for a good, meaningful, and thriving relationships. Well, it’s complicated – kind of, the way most meaningful things in life generally are – however, I truly believe that world that we experience is manifested by the way we live our life. As a mature, functional, and reasonable adult we should have the ability to know and communicate our needs in a relationship on a emotional, physical and spiritual level.

In my limited opinion there is a better way to get to know people which is more tenable to current day and age – عدنان's Six (6) Steps: Compatibility, Chemistry, Values, Attachment Style, Love Language and Becoming - (CCVALB)

A wiser and educated approach that will allow you to have a more productive conversation in getting to know people instead of self-fellatio focused useless statements like I am a foodie, cat or dog person and what kind of car you like babe (WTF!)

Step 1: Compatibility & Chemistry (CC)

Self-knowledge is the mother of all knowledge – Rumi.

We ALL have a mental checklist of Compatibility and Chemistry. If you DON'T know yours THEN it’s your FAULT – because it’ll be CROWDSOURCED from your surroundings, culture, family, friends, that HOT couple on your INSTAFEED etc.

Compatibility: Compatibility is tangible and logical – whatever we are conditioned to and/or we aim/aspire to build for in life. When you spend time with someone, you can get to know and objectively assess things like i.e. Do we have similar lifestyles, religions, ideologies (all the 'ism's' in your life i.e. political to personal: capitalism, narcissism, feminism, veganism to personal cult, family cults to cultural/social narratives we carry), kids (the ones you have/want/don't want to make), life stages, values, desires, and goals.

Chemistry: Chemistry is the emotional magnetism you feel with someone - that is intangible and unspoken. Chemistry is either there or not. Its a hard & fast to life's biggest mysteries - Can I wake up to this face every morning? Will this person be a strong character/physiologically appropriate for the future generations? I wonder if they will be fun to travel with every year?

You need the blend of both – if you want to avoid roommate agreement (High Compatibility & Low Chemistry) and shit-dumpster on fire arrangement (High/Toxic Chemistry & Low Compatibility) – consequence of imbalance in either of the C’s.

How to USE/APPLY: See Table 1 below

Step 2: Values (V)

You need to know YOUR core VALUES in life? The same way everyone has a personality irrespective of their awareness of it. Even if you've never thought about it or listed your values - they are ALWAYS shinning through HOW you spend your LIFE in light of personal conditioning, experiences, narratives and decisions etc etc. 

The funny thing about values is, that they are NOT what we preach (seldom do)/wish/want them to be: On the contrary, they demonstrate the best & worst thing about us (more than often productive/dark side of the same coin).

For example, you VALUE personal development therefore you are READING this article. However, to do so, your are GIVING UP on watching TV, swiping TINDER/BUMBLE to do this activity. Similarly, you DEVELOP your PASSIVE INCOME after work/go to gym/take care of your grandmother, INSTEAD of getting drunk/gamble with work colleagues - that shows the way you spend your time/life, more importantly it shows your personalised 'WHY' to things you do/filter/spend your time building your ideal life. 

Values: The unique 'Thermostat/Equilibrium/Zen' around how one goes about spending their 'limited time' on the planet! - عدنان

When summed up, they make up your identity and reason behind your interests/decisions/problems and probably the actual Religion in your life.

The three fundamental core values in a relationship are trust, respect and empathy – without trust, there is no respect. Without respect, there is no empathy. Without empathy, there is no relationship! (Mark Manson)

How to USE/APPLY: See Table 2 below

READ MORE: Values 

Step 3: Attachment Style (A)

You should see what is your Attachment Style? Are you avoidant, anxious, dysfunctional, or secure? How that has evolved in your life and if there are steps needed to get to a ‘secure’ attachment style. Most people who default themselves to ‘secure’ without reading/understanding are the ones who are farthest away from secure. 

READ MORE: Attachment styles & primary manifestation

Step 4: Love Language (L)

You should know your Love Language(s) (Physical touch, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time & Gifts). The Love Languages are an extension of the basic basis for all human connections i.e. Status, Connection and Security. 

These Love Languages should be ethically applied/engaged to the extent to seek meaningful connect with someone, not using it just as another tool for relationship blackmail. For example, acts of service do not involve slavery for someone’s lazy ass.

Step 5: Becoming (B) 

Whatever you need in an ideal companion/life partner, write it on a piece of paper and BECOME that list. We should want for the other person, what we want for ourselves. Example:

•  Item 1 – “I want someone who can add value to my life”

What does BECOMING means: Am I a person who can add value to other people’s lives, do I have my shit together in all core areas of life (education, career, finances, life/work balance, wealth, socialisation)? If not then am I willing to work on it?

• Item 2 – “I want someone who is confident, decisive and knows what they want in life”

What does BECOMING means: Have I worked on my self-awareness? Have I worked on my self-discipline, my need for external validation and paralysis by incessant comparisons? Have I pursued something bigger than myself, other than banging my hands on keyboard and getting drunk over weekends to justify my existence?

As I mentioned earlier, the world that we experience is MANIFESTED by the WAY we live your life. So, if I'm ANGER then I'll attract RAGE, if I'm GRATITUDE it'll receive FULFILLMENT, if I'm KNOWLEDGE then I'll receive WISDOM, if I'm ENTITLED PRICK who thinks I need to feel special at other's expense, then my narcissism/ignorance is my SLOW POISON which keeps me focused on others (victimisation addict/feedback loop) which damages NO ONE OTHER than MYSELF!

Step 6: Actioning CCVALB

The TABLES (1 & 2) below will help you complete Step 1 (Compatibility & Chemistry) and Step 2 (Values) above, and at least form basic assessment if two individuals are sensible, emotionally mature individuals to get into a tangible and sensible long-term partnership.

The goal is to not be anti-social or entitled around our self suiting PERSONALISED THERMOSTATS - understand where non-negotiables (non-overlapping thermostats) are more than negotiables (overlapping thermostats) in the above approach, they are not the right person for you. They are not evil, malicious, want to use you for s*x/money/loneliness & travel - they have their own journey.

Also, there is always a litmus test, all relationships are based on friendships, if you do not have a respectful egalitarian friendship with the other person – don’t bother getting into a relationship with them.

TABLE 1 – The shit which actually defines the struggles & quality of our life including relationships

Metric of Interest? Are you conditioned by Disney, Hollywood, Bollywood, or checklists of your aunties growing up (church of the family) Do you get turned on by rituals? Love bombing/whisper the right words to bring the walls down? Do you have trauma based bonding emotional mind maps? Do you enjoy the dysfunction of chase/runner? Are you a victim or a saver? Do you have unhealed parts and you bleed on everyone and whoever doesn’t choke is deemed to be THE ONE? Mum was a damsel in distress, she wanted you to be strong. But that has led you not getting the affection and relationship like mum? Also for a man, dad was a great role model but mum was a subordinate, I need someone to recreate my past without the lack of communication, escapisms and stiff lip personality disorders? Metrics of Compatibility? Do you have similar values? Do you have a similar lifestyle? Do you want to believe in a particular faith or have children? Do you have the same definition of life & success? Do you share the same approach to work/life balance? Are you both corporate slaves? Love the clout, status, job description as self description? Or do you both prioritise family/environment more? Are you a traditional/non-traditional women looking for a non-traditional/traditional man? Do you have tangible overlap/humility to discuss what are important metrics (families, domestic economy, decision making, roles, goals) in a relationships? As a heuristic, religious nuts date religious nuts, hedonists date hedonists and similarly your personal conditioning/life experiences has mutated metrics for the things above? Metrics of Chemistry? Which ones you want and & don't want - also to what degree and intensity? Emotional intimacy Intellectual intimacy Experiential intimacy Physical intimacy Financial intimacy Educational intimacy How does the other person think? How do they smell? What would they say about a topic or movie/element that is on your mind? Are you two-minute people, only when reproducing people or all-night people? Do you value active lifestyle or being rolly polly in life? Intimacy is a spectrum, and is fostered consistently in a relationship – yesterday’s homeruns (org***s) don’t win today’s game.

TABLE 2 – What someone actually gives a f*ck about against what they tell/wish/presume/pretend and preach
Hours per week: 168 ACTUAL Hours/week: 128 (after work) and merely 72 (after work & sleep)
Activity	Hours/Week	Value Hierarchy	High/Low vs Expectation	Action/Comment
Online Shopping/Keeping up with Joneses	15 hours	2	Higher	Run of the mill capitalism slave  - Get a purpose/meaningful pursuits and get a life!
Binge Watching TV	14 hours	3	Higher	Have you seen manifested? Also the one with Johnny Depp’s daughter?
Exercise	5 hours	6	Lower	Show up more at the gym/pool/park! You're not too old to get fit - you are too comfortable with mediocrity.
Gambling/Pubs	16 hours	1	Higher	The chosen escapism instead of therapy/psychologist
Cooking	8 hours	5	Lower	I thought this took longer so I spent life on Uber Eats
Relationships/Dating Applications	1 hour	6	Why Bother - no one is good enough for me.	Can’t wait for knight in shining armor and Women are not feminine anymore crowd!
Socialisation	12	4	Lower	Self-love king/queen
Reading	0 hours	??	N/A	Only for Nerds – Insta & TikTok university for life

At the end of 3 months of intentional, sensible, non-dysfunctional, psychologically stable dating you should have CCVALB for both individuals and simply where non-negotiables are more than negotiables it is better to respectfully part ways and wish each other well, instead of prolonging that dead zombie with blood drops sacrificing boundaries, finances, more dopamine hits, drugs/travel, gifts, passive/active codependence and gathering emotional/financial and life baggage for both people.

I do want to caveat - there are NO GUARANTEES in a RELATIONSHIP, as no relationship is guaranteed. You can find your pure, peaceful, and positive princess or emotionally intelligent, billionaire and funny knight and they can get hit by a bus the next day – but I can give you guarantee that you’ll be a more learned and self-aware person after completing the exercises outlined in this post.

Thanks for taking the necessitated detour. Click here to go back to the MAIN article - Survival Guide to Modern Dating: Swiping Toxic Attachments, Manipulation, Fetishes and Matching Self-Discovery - The Better Way!

Sources:

• Around 70% of divorces in US (probably most places in the world) are due to or caused by financial struggles/issues and probably same percentage (%) is the reason why men leave their older partners for younger women [60% of people under poverty guidelines are divorced women and children]. Single motherhood has grown so common in America that today 80 percent of single-parent families are headed by single mothers — nearly a third live in poverty.
• Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS): The highest proportion of homelessness in Australia is made up of Women in their 50s who are single or divorced. Females accounted for 81.7% of the 6000+ increase in national homelessness since 2016 (Total Female: 53k)
• The 2023 Global Slavery Index estimates that on any given day in 2021, there were 41,000 individuals living in modern slavery in Australia. This equates to a prevalence of 1.6 people in modern slavery for every thousand people in the country. Within Asia and the Pacific, Australia is ranked 26 out of 27 countries in terms of prevalence of modern slavery. Modern slavery includes forced marriages/relationship related abuse of humans by humans. 
• In the most recent surveys, men age 18 to 44 were more likely to have had no partners in the past year (16 percent) compared to women (12 percent). Men also were more likely to have had three or more partners in the past year (15 percent) compared to women (7 percent).
• Origins of Narcissism in Children - Eddie Brummelmana,b,1, Sander Thomaesb,c, Stefanie A. Nelemansd, Bram Orobio de Castrob, Geertjan Overbeeka, and Brad J. Bushmane,f
• Evolution of Desire - David M Buss
• Bad Men - David M Buss
• The subtle art of not giving a fuck - Mark Manson
• Everything is f*cked - Mark Manson
• The subtle art of not giving a f*ck Journal - Mark Manson
• Forty Rules of Love
• Dating & Relationship Courses - Mark Manson
• Think Again - Adam Grant
• 8 Rules of Love - Jay Shetty
• 12 Rules of Life - Jordan Peterson
• Esther Perel's Podcast - Sessions & Closed Couples Therapy
• Worst Things Couple Therapists Have Heard - HuffPost
• Countless BS Redpill & Feminist - self-suiting instafeed/TikTok videos